Monday, March 17, 2014

The Apple (1980)

The Apple (1980)
Director: Menahem Golan
Stars: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy

I admit to being a sucker for movie musicals of the 70's/early 80's. Grease, Phantom of the Paradise, even the Wiz has it's charm (in a weird way). So when I had a chance to watch The Apple, I thought "I really need to review something so why not".

Immediate regret.

The Apple is about a future (well...1994) where the world is pretty much run by a record label, BIM. this global dictatorship is run by the "mysterious" Mr. Boogaloo. No I'm not kidding. Great name for your lead villain, Golan. Apparently he surrounds himself with people so camp, drag queens would think they were gaudy. nothing.

So these wide eyed kids from Moosejaw, Alphie and Bibi enter an American Idol like contest, and when they seem to be winning, BIM goes into action. They rig the contest and then offer contracts to our heroes. Bibi accepts but Alphie knows that something is wrong and tries to stop it. He fails pretty badly several times. 

Eventually they get back together with the help of some hippies and they everyone sings songs that you forget three minutes after hearing them. The plot is a mishmash of several other more popular musical films, and to be honest, I didn't give a shit about any of these people. I don't give a shit about anyone who was involved with this movie and hope that they have to watch this on a loop for the rest of their lives while wearing a tiny silver bananna hammock.

Six Things I Took From The Apple (non STD edition)

1. The vehicles in this film were all created using the drawings of every 8 year old boy ever made. LOTS OF HEADLIGHTS! SHARP CORNERS EVERYWHERE! GET THOSE FUCKING FINS ON THAT STATION WAGON STAT!

2. Nothing says evil like a fey middle aged tracksuit wearing Doug McClure lookalike dancing around.

I wasn't kidding.

3. Take one part Jesus Christ Superstar, throw in a dash of Grease, and spill some Faust into it for this trainwreck of a movie

4. There's one song called "I'm Coming For You" that takes place when one of the bad guys tries to seduce Alphie in a giant room filled with people pretending to be having sexual relations on multiple beds. In case you were wondering, the title of the song is probably meant to be taken literally...or if it was a Slade song it'd be "I'm Cumming For You".  I imagine that's what Studio 54 was like in the 70's.

5. In 1994, we're all suppose to be wearing clothing so shiny that some people will get jobs laying in front of people's car windshields to keep the sun out.

6. I know I'm spoiling the ending, but fuck it.. This movie ends the only logical way it does...with God coming out of the sky in a gold fancy car and taking Alphie, Bibi, the hippies, and at least a couple of the Village People away. Yes, it's the Disco Rapture. So the Devil (it's a much better name than Mr. Boogaloo) tells God (using a goofy fake name as well) "You can't live without me" to which "God" says "Fuck you buddy, you go make out with your creepy Grace Jones looking guy-who-hangs-out-at-the-laundromat-with-no-laundry like sidekick and your ugly bald vampire security" and struts away. Fuck you Golan, and Globus too for good measure.

Sweet ride, isn't it?

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