Thursday, March 21, 2013

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Never Too Young To Die (1986)
Director: Gil Bettman
Stars: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons

A high school gymnast with terrific hair (Stamos) is the son of famous spy STARGROVE (Played by blink and you'll miss it Bond George Lazenby). When pops is killed by a crazy hermaphrodite for a disc that'll poison the city's (what city is never said) water supply, Stamos as Lance STARGROVE...What a name...teams up with the dumbest spy ever (Vanity) in order to exact revenge. Add in some Road Warriors minions and the prerequisite asian spy gadget making friend, and you have yourself one hell of a good time.

Six Things I've Learned From Never Too Young To Die

1. Where does one go to get minions? And why wouldn't you pick ones that weren't very bright? Did Velvet put out an ad in the local paper? Maybe that's how she/he got Robert Englund (wearing the dumbest college sweater ever) to help.

2. I was sad that nobody told Velvet to go fuck herself. Really an opportunity wasted.

3. I don't know why, but the scene where Stamos is getting the shit beat out of him (smashing his head in a sink, throwing him through shelves) was really satisfying. I don't even dislike was just fun to watch.

4. If you get shot anywhere near a railing, your body will leap over the railing to your death on impulse. It's science, man.

5. This movie features one of the worst seduction/sex scenes ever. At one point it looks like the movie is trying to fast forward itself during the sex scene.

6. I gotta be honest, if Gene Simmons hadn't played Velvet Von Ragner the way he did, this movie would have just sucked balls. Want proof? Watch this:

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